Contents: Demons, bestiality, the Soviet Union, and other threats courageous Republicans are confronting head on. Guns don’t kill corpses, people kill corpses. Just what does epilepsy smell like, anyway…? Prokhorov, proving my theory that Russia will achieve world domination with a checkbook. And VVP, now available in plush form. (Pony sold separately.)
Normally this would be just one more depressing example of Tea Party members advertising their ignorance on cheap posterboard. Except that Irkutsk just elected a Communist Party-backed candidate over the ruling United Russia’s choice. So… Maybe they really do want their socialism back. But they’re not calling us for it. Seriously, dimwits, if you pick up the phone and the caller identifies himself as “Vladimir Putin,” you are on the receiving end of a practical joke. I know. Just one more instance of you being on the receiving end. Screwed by your education system. Screwed by your government. Screwed by the media. Poor, poor you, tea partier. I suggest the next time you have a party you serve something more potent than tea. That way you can make an ass of yourself in the company of friends instead of on cable tv. What’s that, you say? Making an ass of yourself on cable tv is a time-honoured American tradition? You read in a Texas textbook that it’s a Constitutional right? Well then, never mind…
And the prize for “Most Backwards Country Posing as a Developed Superpower” goes to …
Variously, from HuffPo:
~ “Demons” have invaded the U.S. capital, according to Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.):
Speaking shortly after he riled up a crowd at Tuesday’s Tea Party protest, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.) declared that “demons” – yes, demons – have invaded the capital (and likely the souls of Democrats), forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill.
“Well it would take a demon to be this dishonest about a bill,” the Texas Republican told the Huffington Post. “If they would just read the bill, they would see what they are saying is dishonest.”
Asked to expand a bit more on what he meant, Gohmert stepped back a bit from a literal interpretation, though still floating the possibility that Democrats were possessed. “Well, somebody is making people be dishonest and it is a play on words, too,” he said.
Moments earlier, the congressman energized an audience in the hundreds who had come to hear him and others protest the possibility of health care’s passage. Gohmert insisted that the bill the House was set to consider would appropriate $700 million for abortions — defying the Hyde Amendment, which prohibits federal money going to such a procedure.
“I brought an abortion to show you today,” he said, hosting a copy of the health care bill in his right hand. The crowd responded with a chant of “Abort the bill!”
And then, out of nowhere, Gohmert began spreading the word that underworld spirits were lurking around the Capitol building behind him.
“There’s a whole lot of demon going on,” he said. “There are a lot of demons around here apparently.”
“A whole lotta demon going on.” He better go copyright that asap before I steal it right out from under his nose. Oh! Too late!
~ Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) compares America’s current government to Prague under communist rule and urges a “Velvet Revolution”:
Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) urged a smaller-than-expected crowd of Tea Party protesters on Tuesday to launch a Velvet Revolution-style uprising against the federal government, saying the parallels are striking between America’s current government and Eastern European communist rule.
Speaking to the Huffington Post shortly after his speech, King declared that a peaceful uprising, a la the successful overthrowing of the Communist Party of Czechoslovakia on the streets of Prague in 1989 “would be fine with me.”
“Fill this city up, fill this city, jam this place full so that they can’t get in, they can’t get out and they will have to capitulate to the will of the American people,” he said.
“So this is just like Prague under communist rule?” the Huffington Post asked.
“Oh yeah, it is very, very close,” King replied. “It is the nationalization of our liberty and the federal government taking our liberty over. So there are a lot of similarities there.”
If there is one thing I cannot abide, it is the nationalization of liberty. Oof.
~ Former Congressman J.D. Hayworth (R-Ariz.) claims a six-and-a-half-year-old same-sex marriage ruling in Massachusetts could conceivably pave the way for men marrying horses:
Sen. John McCain’s (R-Ariz.) primary challenger, former Arizona congressman J.D. Hayworth, warned this past weekend that the same-sex marriage decision handed down by the Massachusetts Supreme Court is so loose in its logic and wording that it could lead to a man marrying his horse.
Appearing on Orlando, Fla. radio station WORL on Sunday, the Arizona conservative had what could be described as a Rick Santorum “man on dog” moment.
“You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, when it started this move toward same-sex marriage, actually defined marriage — now get this — it defined marriage as simply, ‘the establishment of intimacy,'” Hayworth said. “Now how dangerous is that? I mean, I don’t mean to be absurd about it, but I guess I can make the point of absurdity with an absurd point — I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse.
Yep. Except in Switzerland, where animals are not allowed to have lawyers, and would therefore be prevented from filing for a divorce from your sick ass.
And from the New York Times: Texas has axed T. Jefferson and separation of Church and State from textbooks and added Phyllis Schlafly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority and the National Rifle Association:
The conservative members maintain that they are trying to correct what they see as a liberal bias among the teachers who proposed the curriculum. To that end, they made dozens of minor changes aimed at calling into question, among other things, concepts like the separation of church and state and the secular nature of the American Revolution.
“I reject the notion by the left of a constitutional separation of church and state,” said David Bradley, a conservative from Beaumont who works in real estate. “I have $1,000 for the charity of your choice if you can find it in the Constitution.”
They also included a plank to ensure that students learn about “the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including Phyllis Schlafly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority and the National Rifle Association.”
There’s some kind of karmic school shooting just begging to be the end of this story.
If America and Russia have anything in common, it is people who say crazy shit. And the love of fire arms. A match made in Heaven.
The man, named as Sergey Karpentsov, is quoted as saying he wanted to let loose a volley of bullets at Lenin’s carefully embalmed corpse, one of the Russian capital’s most popular and ghoulish tourist attractions.
“My main demand is the quick bulldozing of the mausoleum which contains the body of the anti-Christ,” he said. “I wanted to open fire on the tomb with an assault rifle but I was advised not to do that in case the tomb is armour-plated.”
I guess if you’re so passionate about your cause that you must take up arms, it’s better to aim them at people who are already dead than at those who still have their whole lives ahead of them? Though I am curious about the metaphysics of killing the Antichrist with an assault rifle…
Russia and the United States dominated the international arms export market from 2005-09, although there was significant growth for other exporters, most notably France and Germany, according to figures collated by the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute (SIPRI).
The data – which was included in the SIPRI Fact Sheet ‘Trends in International Arms Transfers, 2009’ – showed that the US and Russia accounted for 30 and 23 per cent of exports respectively between 2005 and 2009.
As my brother-in-law says, “Never pass on a gun raffle.”
And speaking of crazy shit people say:
“Mishiko’s provocations smell of epilepsy.”
You say shit like this and Western leaders have no choice but to throw up their arms and walk out of the room. Whose brilliant idea was it to put Ivan Nikiforovich in charge of public diplomacy?
“I suggest we buy Greece,” Prokhorov said on the Spotlight Paris Hilton television show on March 13. Acquiring Greece, home of the Olympic Games, would be a marketing opportunity for Russian gas exporter OAO Gazprom, which could use the Olympic flame as its trademark, he said.
“We could sell our gas to every home together with an Olympic torch,” Prokhorov said. “I suggest we start with Ukraine.”
First the New Jersey Nets, now Greece? A pony for the person who can tell me what this guy would not buy.
If this was not a member of the Village People, it should have been:
The Khakassia village people, that is…
I make fun at his expense, but there have been many a Chicago winter day I totally could have gone for something like this. And the pretty pony too. Especially the pony. And the guy on the pony. Is there some discount if I get both? What, you think Putin’s not for sale? Prokhorov might beg to differ…
Ok, that’s all for today, my lovelies! Thanks for reading and Happy St. Patrick’s Day!