poemless. a slap in the face of public taste.

July 10, 2010

Conspiracy Theories

Filed under: Too Much Information — poemless @ 1:20 AM

Some people have been contacting the owner of this blog to inquire as to the whereabouts of “poemless” and her possible return. Below is a list of the most likely explanations.

1 ) Poemless was caught spying for the Russian government (networking with politicians, friending important people on facebook, looking hot) and was put on a plane to Moscow. Vice President Joseph Biden regrets that such a stunning beauty was deported.

2 ) After 15 years of neglecting housework and as many years battling an addiction to Sunday flea markets, poemless became buried under a pile of her own stuff. Her mental illness but a symptom of larger societal dysfunction, no one noticed.

3 ) Acid trip in desert she’s been meaning to do since ’93.

4 ) Unable to sit by silently and watch the ecological catastrophe unfold in the Gulf of Mexico, poemless dropped everything to devote herself to grooming greasy pelicans. While excelling at the shampoo and blow-dry, she was fired for giving complimentary mani/pedi’s to first time clients.

5 ) Four words: Nashi Camp Mating Tent.

6 ) Poemless formally handed in her resignation, stating a desire to “spend more quality time with her cat,” when an article surfaced online in which she was disrespectful and critical of the current administration.

7 ) Seeking an authentic Houellebecqian experience, poemless obtained French citizenship and took a 4 week package vacation at an overpriced trashy resort somewhere near Thailand where jihadists killed her lover and where she now nurses the pain of grief and sti’s with tropical cocktails.

8 ) In a freak accident like from a comic book, poemless was struck by lightning during a terrible Midwestern summer thunderstorm and transformed into a psychic octopus. Go Spain!!!

9 ) Vladimir Putin had me shot and killed. I mean Vladimir Putin had poemless shot and killed. Damn. It almost worked.

10 ) “Atypical Migraine Variant,” which is medical lingoese for “like if your brain were not working for no reason and no one knew why.

So… I am going with the trashy Thai sex vacation theory. But medical professionals throughout Chicago swear by no. 10.

Alas, visits to doctors, ERs, neurologists and ophthalmologists are not fun to read about. Blood tests, CT scans, eye exams and MRIs are not fun to write about. Steroids, IVs, injections, anticonvulsants and harsh painkillers are not fun to experience. Not being able to work, running up bills and out of vacation time are not fun to think about. And most of all, not getting better after the visits, tests, medicines, time off, money spent and running out is the least fun of all.

So that’s why poemless is not writing. You don’t want to read about that. Poemless doesn’t even want to read about that.

20 Comments »

  1. I really wish I knew what a Nashi Camp Mating Tent was.

    That said, the obvious answer is #1.

    Is this a poll?

    Comment by Melissa — July 10, 2010 @ 10:49 AM | Reply

  2. I read somewhere that diet (calorie restriction) and physical activity/exercise can replace most, if not all, drugs. I’ve actually tried it on a couple of occasions, worked for me. Requires no extra money either.

    Once one starts down the road of “steroids, IVs, injections, anticonvulsants and harsh painkillers,” it may be difficult to stop. There are some horror stories out there.[1]

    Just my opinion.

    [1] – http://www.alternet.org/story/147467/pfizer%3A_the_drug_giant_that_makes_bank_from_drugs_that_can_kill_you/

    Comment by A. Reader — July 11, 2010 @ 11:01 PM | Reply

    • On the off chance you are a legitimate reader and not a spammer:

      1. I read somewhere only arrogant and irresponsible assholes go around giving anonymous medical advice on the internet.

      2. I’m a little offended that you automatically assume I have a high calorie and low activity lifestyle. To be honest, my doctor asks I lose no more weight. But I could definitely benefit from more cardio.

      Which I would take your advice and do if I were not HALF FUCKING BLIND right now.

      3. Definition of coward: telling someone who just had a fullblown migraine headache for 4 straight days to not take medicine but go exercise. From the other end of an internet connection. I guess if I told you to fuck off from the other end of an internet connection that would make me a coward too so I won’t.

      4. My condition is hereditary.

      5. If big Pharma is profiting from my condition, it is the corporation I work for, not I, who is lining their pockets. I’m one of those freak Americans with good health insurance. Also, while big Pharma is evil, I am not anti- science or modern medicine. And while I sound overmedicated, 1) this is short term 2) I am in relatively emergent condition and 3) this is “throw everything we have at it and see what works” phase. So don’t worry about me.

      Not that you were. Sounds more like you were looking for an opportunity to use the suffering of a stranger to go on your anti-science, anti-corporate jihad.

      Comment by poemless — July 12, 2010 @ 12:00 AM | Reply

      • You’re reading too much into what I wrote.

        I don’t give medical advise – I stated very clearly it was “Just my OPINION”, see above – and I don’t make any assumptions about your weight and/or physical condition.

        I thought you may find it curious and worthy of further research, but if not, feel free to ignore it. What do I care? Not enough to argue with you about it at length.

        Comment by A. Reader — July 12, 2010 @ 8:18 AM | Reply

  3. Taking a risk of being smashed with a heavy metal object of your choice…

    Hold on! We really do need you strong and healthy.

    Comment by Evgeny — July 12, 2010 @ 4:28 AM | Reply

  4. Hi Poemless,

    I like number #8. When the sky turns that phosphorescent yellow-green and begins to crack lightening you just know that a transformation is in the offing. A mid-western summer storm is not a bad metaphor this bit of excitement we’ve had in Russo/US relations: there’s the swift movement of cold and warm fronts, deflation and inflation of various invisible pressure systems, lots of wind, boom-boom, pitter-patter, all the lights go out, they turn back on, not much has changed. I’m missing your posts; you would have had some additional fun with the subject matter. I send my concern and best hopes for relief from your headaches and your return to health.

    Comment by tess — July 12, 2010 @ 1:46 PM | Reply

    • Warm and cold fronts colliding! Perfect metaphor! Actually, I think US-Russia relations are parallel to the actual weather in DC: every time there is a snow storm or heatwave there its citizens act like it is the most historic meteorologic event of the century. Same with Anna Chapman and Ray’s Hellburgers. Only morons in DC believe this shit means anything to anyone but them.

      Comment by poemless — July 12, 2010 @ 10:33 PM | Reply

      • BTW, the primary reason I have not been writing is that I cannot focus long enough to read anything substantial. But I can watch/listen to tv. And there so happens to be a fine doc on George Schultz and Reagan’s Soviet policy on PBS. Check it out.

        And related to Tess’s comment, see Sean’s latest post on how the spy scandal is NOT the new Cold War people were clammoring for.

        Comment by poemless — July 12, 2010 @ 10:42 PM | Reply

    • One last clarification:

      I AM NOT HAVING “HEADACHES.”

      I am having atypical migraines which is a neurological disorder with various symptoms. The most famous is the horrible headaches, which I have but come and go. But 24/7 I have difficulty focusing, photophobia, confusion, problems concentrating, bouts of dizziness and vertigo, nausea and disorientation. So this is not about headaches. I have had migraine headaches my whole life. I can read during a prodrome to a headache. I can’t read through this. I feel like I have over dosed on drugs or had brain damage, not a headache. (I’ve been very resistant to this bullshit diagnosis.)

      Comment by poemless — July 13, 2010 @ 12:20 AM | Reply

  5. I just hope you get better.

    (Can I pray for this even though you’re an atheist?)

    Comment by EdgewaterJoe — July 12, 2010 @ 9:51 PM | Reply

    • I love religious people. Judgmental enough to unfriend me on facebook but noble enough to pray for me in my illness. Whatever gets you to heaven, Joe.

      Comment by poemless — July 12, 2010 @ 10:22 PM | Reply

  6. there are so many trashy Thai resorts – Pattaya, Huahin, Phuket, Ko Samui. and so many not trashy (too many to mention). why Thailand? just now got better wi-fi internet connection (in dharamsala, india, from all places) and was able for the first time to watch Vissarion’s video you posted before. it was good report by Nightline, made by probably russian journalist (she was speaking unaccented Russian) hiding under western name.

    not the best, because she filled her story with cliches, but stereotypes (and other annoying allusions) for journalists is second bread. these stereotypes (half-baked truths, in journo jargon essential points of the story) provoke your reaction as well as of others revealing yours and others apparent lack of knowledge of life in siberia and mushrooming russian sects. real anna chapman (or better hidden russian spy in us) would surely know these stamps and how they relate to reality. you did not pass the test of russian-ness despite the best efforts!

    Comment by FarEasterner — July 13, 2010 @ 2:47 PM | Reply

  7. It’s my sad fate to discover your quixotic and restlessly brilliant writing just at the point your capacities appear (according to your narrative) to be failing. Buck up, baby. Your style is in short supply – don’t wink out now.

    Comment by Mark — July 14, 2010 @ 1:35 PM | Reply

    • Hi Mark! Always nice to see another neo-Stalinist Putinista KGB propaganda monster in the blogosphere. But geez, always with the Russian wives! BTW, you may consider amending your handle just not to be confused with Mark Adomanis, another Putin apologist extraordinaire. ;)

      Comment by poemless — July 14, 2010 @ 11:24 PM | Reply

      • It may be imagination and the kind of projection that can only come from an acquaintance measured in hours, but you sound a little sassier to me. I sincerely hope you’re feeling better. I haven’t had a migraine in years (I got them a couple of times from simple eyestrain, and had to be in a dark room with no noise until they passed) and mercifully don’t remember how agonizing they were, but I remember enough to know I never want another.

        When I first read Mark Adomanis, I thought he was a little pompous, and put it down to his education. Longer exposure to Russophobia from sources like La Russophobe has made me appreciate his writing, and I have to say he had me when he referred to Paul Goble as a “whore” who simply trawls through the garbage of Russia’s trashiest newspapers looking for anti-government rubbish. Not to trivialize Mr. Goble’s obvious intelligence and committment, as he’s not stupid at all, Adomanis’s assessment rang true to me, and I admire him for not backing off when his opinion was solicited.

        It’s rare to read someone who writes pretty much the way they talk, as I have a notion you do. I like it a lot, and look forward to more of it.

        Just by way of a postscript, you mentioned your condition was hereditary. What did your parent (or grandparent, if it’s one of those things that skips a generation) do about it? Has anything come along since that offers promise?

        Comment by marknesop — July 15, 2010 @ 10:56 AM | Reply

        • My mother had migraines. She survived on a diet of Excedrin, valium, percocet and vodka. My brother had juvenile migraines and was hospitalized as a toddler. A few years ago he developed seizures. Weirdly, though I don’t have seizures, I am on antiseizure medicine, and he said the symptoms I have now are the ones he’d get before a seizure. Don’t ask me…

          Comment by poemless — July 15, 2010 @ 12:31 PM | Reply

  8. Ha! You don’t fool me. Option 1 it is. And Joe Biden was so taken by the stunningness of your beauty that he called Putin personally on the slightly pink phone (the red phone being reserved only for the president) and asked if he could PERSONALLY see that you were taken care of in the way you deserve.

    You lucky devil.

    OK. We now resume your regular programming. Unfortunately.

    Hope they find something that works. :(

    Comment by maryb — July 14, 2010 @ 10:55 PM | Reply

    • Putin personally taking care of me in the way that I deserve would work. Can I get a prescription for that please? :D

      Comment by poemless — July 14, 2010 @ 11:02 PM | Reply


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