I’m still alive. Unfortunately.

My ratio of drug use to creative output is violating all kinds of laws of nature these days (though one may be interested to note that the singular evil pill that seems to cure the migraine symptoms also cures my desire to write, confirming what we already know and scientists believe…)

I was going to write a rant about morons who call themselves doctors. About the right to live without pain. And something in defense of Sarah Palin.

Maybe I will do those things. For now here are some deliciously weird videos which you have undoubtedly already seen but which nevertheless deserve a home on this blog:

Jesus, the only man on earth who can be a badass on a trike or in a powder blue suit.

Also of note:

~ I am on Twitter, but am not posting anything.

~ Sean of his Russia Blog has relocated to DeKalb, IL, but the earth is still spinning (though freak Noah’s Ark like flooding has occured in the vicinity…)

~ Natalia calls on us to stop dissing Russian men. Geez, apparently the Russians love their fathers too. Someone alert Sting.

~ Vilhelm writes a run down of the “Forbidden art – 2006″ case. On the one hand, I am all about freedom of artistic expression. On the other, the fact that the courts have fined them for displaying such works gives the name of their exhibition a bit more authenticity, no?

~ David Suchet is of Russian ancestry. I discovered this while doing my own detective work trying to find out who murderd the art director of the previous “Poirot” mysteries and replaced their divine art deco glamour mystique with the predictable Masterpiece Theater crap. I am not the type of person who will watch all PBS mysteries, but I will watch all of Suchet’s Poirot mysteries, because he is brilliant and because I get weak in the knees for that severe style of the original series. Related or unrelated, the so-called “master” of art deco design, Erte, was Russian. What this has to do with anything I do not know…

Conspiracy Theories

Some people have been contacting the owner of this blog to inquire as to the whereabouts of “poemless” and her possible return. Below is a list of the most likely explanations.

1 ) Poemless was caught spying for the Russian government (networking with politicians, friending important people on facebook, looking hot) and was put on a plane to Moscow. Vice President Joseph Biden regrets that such a stunning beauty was deported.

2 ) After 15 years of neglecting housework and as many years battling an addiction to Sunday flea markets, poemless became buried under a pile of her own stuff. Her mental illness but a symptom of larger societal dysfunction, no one noticed.

3 ) Acid trip in desert she’s been meaning to do since ’93.

4 ) Unable to sit by silently and watch the ecological catastrophe unfold in the Gulf of Mexico, poemless dropped everything to devote herself to grooming greasy pelicans. While excelling at the shampoo and blow-dry, she was fired for giving complimentary mani/pedi’s to first time clients.

5 ) Four words: Nashi Camp Mating Tent.

6 ) Poemless formally handed in her resignation, stating a desire to “spend more quality time with her cat,” when an article surfaced online in which she was disrespectful and critical of the current administration.

7 ) Seeking an authentic Houellebecqian experience, poemless obtained French citizenship and took a 4 week package vacation at an overpriced trashy resort somewhere near Thailand where jihadists killed her lover and where she now nurses the pain of grief and sti’s with tropical cocktails.

8 ) In a freak accident like from a comic book, poemless was struck by lightning during a terrible Midwestern summer thunderstorm and transformed into a psychic octopus. Go Spain!!!

9 ) Vladimir Putin had me shot and killed. I mean Vladimir Putin had poemless shot and killed. Damn. It almost worked.

10 ) “Atypical Migraine Variant,” which is medical lingoese for “like if your brain were not working for no reason and no one knew why.

So… I am going with the trashy Thai sex vacation theory. But medical professionals throughout Chicago swear by no. 10.

Alas, visits to doctors, ERs, neurologists and ophthalmologists are not fun to read about. Blood tests, CT scans, eye exams and MRIs are not fun to write about. Steroids, IVs, injections, anticonvulsants and harsh painkillers are not fun to experience. Not being able to work, running up bills and out of vacation time are not fun to think about. And most of all, not getting better after the visits, tests, medicines, time off, money spent and running out is the least fun of all.

So that’s why poemless is not writing. You don’t want to read about that. Poemless doesn’t even want to read about that.